Saturday, July 7, 2012

"The Problem Extractor"

* He may seem like your typical door to door solicitor. You may even be tempted to find out what, exactly, he means by promising to eradicate your problems. But beware of what appears too good to be true. The following is a standard sales pitch of the Problem Extractor, who apparently was influenced by a Seussian source...*

Hello, Good Morning, Salutations!
I know you’re in need of my service.
I am the perfectly-precise Problem-Extractor,
Removing your problems is my purpose.
Just sign here on this contract, this line,
And no more problems, I’ll extract them all!
Not a care in the world, you’ll be oh so happy
No problem’s too big, no problem’s too small.
Now, I see you have a troublesome neighbor,
Always letting his dog go on your lawn.
Well, no more of that! Into the extractor they go!
No more annoying neighbors! All gone!
Ah, and your mother-in-law? I see, what a witch.
Into my extractor she goes (no worries, she’ll be fine.
Everything I extract goes to my personal collection,
What you no longer want will become mine).
Hmm, your roof is leaking! Oh, what a shame.
Not to mention the mortgage on this house is steep.
I’ll just extract the whole thing—no more bothersome home!
But this chair seems all right, that you can keep.
Oh, and your spouse! Quite a source of stress,
Always arguing with you, never helps with the chores.
And your kids (tut tut), never listening to you,
I’ll take the whole lot, irksome family no more.
What? You say you changed your mind about this?
Now, you see, that’s a problem as well.
You signed a contract, it’s binding, you know.
I promised no more problems…now you don’t have to yell.
In fact, you’ve become a problem to yourself!
Never knowing what you want—you’ve made yourself upset.
Pop, into the extractor you go, with the rest of your worries.
…and you won’t complain ever again, I bet.

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